Tuesday, January 30, 2007
i have so much things to do i dunno where to start.
few of rather disturbing thoughts this week :
1) my creative juices are gone. i cant even do a simple bdae card for my friend and thats really terrible
2) i actually painted a banner MYSELF, like myself. okay.. my sister probably painted a bit too. and nobody actually commented my effort. this is so irritating
3) i made a wrong judgement of NUS peeps. people are really rich and not interested in 2nd hand clothes AT ALL. i keep getting the who-wants-to-wear-2ndhandclothes-look whenever people come to my booth, and thats DAMN irritating
4) i keep seeing J LEONG around. yes yes yes yes yes. like J Leong, why? ok this is not really disturbing BUT when ur friend exclaims " eh thats J Leong!" , and THAT becomes damn disturbing. especially when he obviously heard it and starts thinking im some psychotic fan of his.
5) arts canteen is GONE and im like eating rubbish everyday. i actually wasted money on food i never even bother to finish half of it just cause its so like SHIT. my diet sucks like hell.
6) maybe vivian should stop mentioning her queued-3-hrs donuts, and remind me of the rubbish food i eat. what double chocolate, oh man. MAYBE we shld have franchise-d in crispy cremes. ignoring the fact that we actually need 1 million.
7)taxi driver for maths lecture is getting more and more boring and im finding it more and more difficult to concentrate in HIS class. now i wish my tutor WAS my lecturer, but too bad, i noe its just a hope.
8) some people just pass judgements on whether they a) like you, b)dont like you, c)hate you, on your first impression, not like it really matter, BUT can you please DO NOT write your answer on your face? IM NOT ASKING YOU A QUESTION. my god.
9) im terrible sleep deprived. and terribly tired. i need de-stressing pills, therapies and sweat which i noe i wouldnt get it in the short run. SUCKS.
10) SAM HO, u r making me more and more demoralised with the lousy ugly test tubes we made.oh no, please dont tell anybody i had a part in it. i hate my brain. and probably my hands.
i miss band
11:35 PM muacksbisous :) Y
Saturday, January 27, 2007
the bad thing of handling a major project.. is how you are so alone in it.
shouldnt there be another someone working along with me towards success?
that will be my motivation, but unfortunately, i have none.
none.
12:23 AM muacksbisous :) Y
Thursday, January 25, 2007
todays mood: paranoia
been AGES ive updated. well partly because it really has been a boring mundane week, and theres really nothing much at allto talk about, except ive been busy with i-dunno-what. and nothing happy has really taken place too. this has been by far the most normal week ive had. no UPS, no DOWNs, but just busy waiting for time to pass. kinda sad. yes it is.
so im gonna write the first 10 random thoughts that comes to my mind from now on.
ok firstly. im outta band, which gives me more time, to do i-dunno-what. tat means no more playing, which makes everything even sadder.
secondly, im busy preparing for my 2nd hand sales project which will take place next week from monday onwards, so do keep a lookout and come grab cheapo stuffs yea?
thirdly, im sooooooooo behind school. no readings done, no french revising done, no projects started, no listening attentively during lectures, and blah blah blah. well. bad sem.
fourth-ly, ive decided to do something about my life other than talking about it. as ive realised how ppl dun take my words seriously and are waiting to see lead a normal life just like anybody everybody, so im stepping out.
whatever it takes.
fifth-ly, ive been sick and not recovering. as usual.
sixth-ly, im fighting an emotional battle. im losing confidence, controls, beliefs, and i think ive forgotten how to be happy me. so wish me luck before i fall into depression.
seventh-ly, i realised i really hate a boring life. and i really hate to be in a place where i noe ppl and ppl noe me. where ppl judge u with their beliefs, where ppl think they noe but they dont, where ppl take ur presence for granted, where ppl stop caring, where ppl dont speak as they feel, where ppl hide secrets, where ppl are hypocrites.
first time in my life, i wanna be somewhere else, a whole new world, where everything starts from zero, and when the same cycle comes, i'll fly somewhere else again. yes. its an escape, who doesnt?
eighth-ly, human genes are really not as superior as we think we are. seriously. i rather be an alien sometimes. humans are selfish. and everybody just care for themselves, thats sad but its true. they can ask "how is it going", " how are you" but ultimately they are thinking for themselves, making themselves feel better that they "care". but they dont. its really a world of
you-use-me-and-i-use-you, i've stop believing that theres even anyone out there born to be a supporting role his/her whole life, born to help others achieve and help others succeed, theres no such body and i refuse to be a supporting role too. i too, want to do something, for myself. period.
ninth-ly, i realised ive ran out of thoughts to write, thats how empty my brain is, aha. but then again isnt this a thought too?
last-ly, im just a pathetic soul. u noe it, and i noe it too.
ive never been as much truthful as today to myself, and just look at how pessimistic my thoughts were! well, time to get working and kick them out yea?
3:26 PM muacksbisous :) Y
Thursday, January 18, 2007
days have passed for me to calm
but im still frustrated FRUSTRATED F-r-U-S-T-R-A-T-E-D.
and without a solution
and my head is still spinning
spinning
spinning
spinning
5:54 PM muacksbisous :) Y
Tuesday, January 16, 2007
1,2,3, this is gonna be long. so dont ask me to "dont complain" its IMPOSSIBLE, my stress level is so high that psychologist have sufficient enough reasons to predict that i have suicidal thoughts.ok so here goes:
i need to escape my "insomnia" of only getting to sleep at 3 average-ly ever night n having to wake up early in the damn morning just to catch the forever-dont-come bus, not only am i looking more and more haggard, im feeling more and more lethargic, getting more and more tempremental, and having more and more weird moments in campus i f only u knew,what do i have to say but sleep deprivation is indeed a T-O-r-T-U-r-E, with a big T.
i stare at that same road lane every day in the damn morning waiting for perhaps a harworking enough bus uncle to drive in the 963, and no matter how early i end up in the busstop, i never did made it for any class on time, and i mean on time, not damn early or damn late. is it me or the bus? and yet, i never fail to arrive at THAT same busstop staring at THAT same lane waiting for that SAME bus at the same DAMN morning everyday. why? i dunno. dont ask me. dont even bother to. i noe i can take 184/75 too but i just dont. why? i dunno. dont ask me. dont even bother to. its just a big F-R-u-S-t-r-A-tion with a big F.
and then i head to school everyday without having enough sleep, not feeling happy enough, only to meet the cannot-understand-social-psych-lecturer frm china, with my ears bleeding everytime after her lessons, or the taxi-driver-look-alike maths leccturer with his KUKU lame jokes, or the new media lectures which had me alert only everytime she tries to pinpoint anybody to answer her stupid questions. all ONLY coming to one single conclusion : BORING. the lectures are superb man.. super BORING, so boring i can fall asleep anytime. the only consolation i get is my dear french class, which half the time im trying to catch what the teacher is saying or im trying to figure what the new french sentence means. dont they bother to add ENGLISH inside the french text? indeed, what a consolation. the modules are reeeeally big M-i-S-t-a-K-e with a big M.
not to mention the project im handling for NUSPsyche society. not only do u have to make decisions, you have to make decisions that pleases everyone, like EVERYONE in the club, the so called you-decide-loh-since-you-r-the-projectdirector is bullshit, BULLSHIT. its only an excuse to make u the scapegoat for any mistakes or problems. politics, critisms, gossips, backstabbbing, facets, lies, irresponsibilities, whatever man, why did i ever get involved in the bloody first place? why? why? i dunno. dont ask me. i can only conclude its all B-U-L-L-s-H-i-T with a big big B.
and theres band. ok dwong lessons were great, i learn a lot A LOT. but hey, this is solely the only force that keeps me in band. why? because honestly, i feel damn strange n unhomely everytime theres band prac. it SUCK k. but i want to play. so how? i dunno. i dunno. i dunno. its just too C-O-M-P-L-I-C-A-T-E-D, with a big C.
n you know whats the I-R-O-N-Y?
i noe i can sleep earlier if i dun watch my TV.
i noe i can reach my class earlier than anybody else if i bothered to.
i noe i can make it for this sem if only i study HARD enough.
i noe i can please everyone in NUSPsyche if i just knew how to be a hypocrite.
i noe i can enjoy band if i go and say hi to everyone.
So,
when is my JB shopping appointment or my long awaited tennis game?
when is my beach outing?
when is my high tea?
when are my DIY days?
when are my slacking moments?
when are my alone time?
when is my SIMPLE LUNCH?
u tell me , where where WHERE! i miss sem 1, really.
TORTURE, FRUSTRATION, MISTAKES, BULLSHITS, COMPLICATION, IRONY
such is life.
i wish i could just shut down for now s a v e m e
4:21 PM muacksbisous :) Y
Monday, January 08, 2007
11:27 PM muacksbisous :) Y
Sunday, January 07, 2007
schools like tml!!! i dread it. last chance to reminisce the JOY of a few days back ..
CAUGHT UNPREPARED!
MY HAIR IS LIKE HOW COOL-EE MAN
a NICE YEAH!
CONSECUTIVE SHOTS. *we have like how much faces can?*
MANY FUNS.. oh what can i say.
photos captured like randomly show like the most natural laughter, at least we dun preteeend to smile at the camera.. whoopsie doopsie. schools coming... KILL ME!
7:18 PM muacksbisous :) Y
Tuesday, January 02, 2007
what a way to kick start 2007 but squeeze thru the crowds in vivo on the 1st and end up buying NOTHING even though zara sale was on, or to play bridge and daidee with my clique on the 2nd at sams house like AGAIN! i bet the security guard would have recognised me by now, counting the number of times ive dropped by her house these 2 weeks, oh well..maybe YOU shld empty your store room for me huh, sam ho ho ho? tsk tsk.
aye. 2006 has breeze-d past us like breeze, ha ha! well u noe what i mean, and NINE-TEEN has really been a year ..that hasnt really been a year, oh my, what i mean is everything is VERY fast. very very veryvery very very faasssssst. from the long-awaited As results to the start of uni life, everything was like a breezzee.. as if ive never lived 19 .. unlike all the other 18 previous yearss. OH MAN.
Nonetheless, ive to say i have learnt more things than ive ever learnt than in any other years. but most importantly, ive learnt to feel more emotions. and i never knew i could feel so many different kinds of sadness or different kinds of happiness all in a go!
happiness from learning u did well in exams
happiness from knowing u strike a lottery
happiness from knowing you have great peeps around u
happiness from knowing you found your path
happiness from knowing your family is actually crazy
happiness from knowing theres a bigger world out there
happiness from knowing how beautiful little things can be
happiness from knowing more about yourself
happiness from knowing how to overcome your phobias
happiness from knowing how trying can lead to success
happiness from knowing you can do better than you think you can
happiness from knowing how to cherish
OR
sadness from knowing how your closest friends can fail you
sadness from knowing how distant u are with some people
sadness from knowing you can never do better
sadness from knowing how things cannot meet your expectations
sadness from knowing how powerless humans can be
sadness from knowing how many people out there are starving
sadness from knowing how evil human nature can be
sadness from knowing how important money can be
sadness from knowing how people disregards your existence
sadness from knowing that your friend always fail to look back at you
sadness from knowing how unpredictable life can be
of cos, these are just SOME of the tiny weeny bits of things that i experienced in 2006, but at least, all these tiny bits of life have made me feel more alive, ive learnt that doing well in exams will never be the only thing i care or the only thing that makes me happy, and betrayals from friends will never be the only thing that saddens me, theres really much more things out there waiting for me to know, waiting for me to feel, and ive never been more excited about it than before. I guess, jumping out of school life is the first step to everything and 2006 has been the year that i finally make this jump. indeed, a great jump.
ive read a few books and watched a few documentaries, not only has my perspective of life changed, it has also allowed to care beyond the mere desires of a teenage girl, marching toward young adulthood has only been more exciting. looking towards more challenges ahead, and more opportunities to try more new things. indeed, things i wish to do goes on and on.
if by now, u've been confused about what im writing, no worries, nothings wrong, 2006 has indeed been a confused year anyway.but i guess this notion would sum up all my emotions from 2006 :
" today is the first day of the rest of my life, and everyday will be, except for the day i die and leave this world "
this shall be the way i lead my 2007, treating everyday as a beginning of a journey to a whole new world ahead, embracing what life have in store for me. kudos shall i say, to 2007.
11:50 PM muacksbisous :) Y
