onnmy blog is reeeally as lifeless as my life is right now. finals are COMING and its not that ive no time to do ANYTHING but i guess im just too preoccupied with OTHER things.
like watching TV and sleeping and slacking and gg out and doing nothing. i just cant get myself to do ANYTHING
constructive despite noe-ing that finals are like in weeks time and im SOO SOO lagged. i pretty much dont care physically but my mind keeps harping on it SOOOO much that not only i cant sleep at night, my breathing problems are getting worse - i practically cant breathe at times, maybe i'll just die like that,
hopefully. pretty much all the times, except the time in sec 2 which i studied REAL hard and got my number 1 in school, i guess i never really did really want to do well you noe. irony, cause that wasnt what ive felt all these years. not until i see ppl really WORKING for their dreams. its weird, really weird, especially when i always
acted as if ive some big dream like everybody else, you noe, like i wanna be a ......(something), the truth is, i dont know what i want. i began to even wonder if i even had taken a chance to chase for something i really want since sec 2. maybe THAT number 1 is just enough for the small me. or maybe im just not cut out to be BIG.
and weirdly, no matter how half-heartedly i went for all the exams since 2, i always CAN pull if off, and i actually pulled if off PRETTY well, even better than ppl who actually worked for it. so m i worth-ed it? something is missing in my life. and let me tell u, that something is
BIG. i just cant find it, i seem to want to do everything else except getting my CAP, physically of course, but my mind is bugging me about CAP CAP CAP CAP CAP, all about CAP. MAYBE my body just refuse to listen to my brain. oh no!
this is bad isnt it? im just a talking person, talking about my "dreams", talking about what i wanna do, talking about where i wanna work, fakes, they are all fakes as long as i dont exactly DO IT. but i cant, i just cant. i guess all boils down to
motivation and determination. 1st, i dun exactly have
motivation.
lifes bad when u r not exactly rich nor poor, u r not exactly stupid not smart, u r not exactly pretty nor ugly, u r not exactly slim nor fat, u r not exactly
here nor
there.now thats MY problem, when u r neither here nor there, your desires arent that great, at least not great enough for u to achieve something b4 u die. i mean how many of the successful ppl out there have BAD past or GOOD inborn capabilities? n when u have
none like me, u just fall and become a NORMAL person, too normal it gets on ur nerves. or on MINE.
2nd, i dun even noe determination.
i never had that chance to i guess. i see no part of determination in my life,
really. never tried really WANTING something, never tried really going after something, i dont know, im always
safe.sigh, its even worse when u happen to have this weird hobby of analysing everything, ok its not even a
hobby, its like an auto response that happens so frequently that my thoughts never fails to flood me so much i dunno what to do about them.
if only i was simple enough to just be normal, just pass my exams, just get fooled into thinking the worlds great, lifes great, i have a bright future, im smart, im happy, everythings gonna be fine.
WELL the greatest problem is
i dont really want things to be fine, i want things to be great, now the next problem that arises is really - how much is my
want. see? more problems just knocks on my door after more problems, and they never seem to take a break. so all i do is just hide. watch my TV, go out with my friends,
pretend things are good, i do everything else except face the problem. NOW, i see the picture, im
hiding.if only there were sunflowers who werent scared of the sunif only there were touch-me-nots who were brave enoughif only there were crocodiles that were kindif only .. i knew how
