I went for alumni today although i said i wouldnt, apparently, i felt this inner calling to go and hopefully get to talk to some people, since i haven been able to talk to anybody about deciding whether i should accept my SEP or not, however, i think i just wasted the night. ALTHOUGH we sounded pretty nice today.
so on my way home alone, great time to be alone, i was thinking about everything, and the sec school days chanced upon me so suddenly. thing is, i really miss the times when we was in dunearn and just the small group of us will rummage the library for scores that we can try, and with like single players for single sections, we could hear who were playing what at what time, we need no conductor, need no rehearsal, we just played. And that was how clear things were at that time, all we had was just this common tempo thingy we had within us, and it was so perfect. nevermind the music quality, it was the fun, the emotions, and all the hoo-has about scolding ilyas for not coming in at the right time, or wow-ing at mat's and este's trumpet parts, or be it listening to the minor woodwind people (sam) doing the solos. Regardless whether it is 5d clapping the rhythm so that we can keep up, or peng hsien playing the deep tuba notes to support our pathetic sounds, it was pure JOY. and that was the sec school days.
i guess in a lot of ways, lifes like that too, times like now has present to me nothing but noise, noise and noise, the speed of time, the way things are done, the many unnecessary hypocritical conversations people have now has made life nothing but a simple complete
waste. we fail to recognise how a simple things used to be, we fail to recognise how all of us, in the world, are linked in the mildest way, all in all, we miss everything, and get caught in performing ALL the expected conversations we ought to have, all the kindness we feel obligated to do, and blah blah blah. whatever happened to the world where people just speak whatever we want w/o having to think about the consequences and stuff, or where people purely want to help other people in the world and having no need to FEEL kind.
yes, this kinda sucks, yet we are the ones guilty of it. we have completely lost ourselves to this vicious cycle of doing things to make sure more things happen, and then planning how these things should happen so we can get what we want, and making sure we get what we want so that we can start making other things happen blah blah blah... it goes on and on and on and on. we lose ourselves. even I, quite sanely sure of such reality, am not able to be myself, for i refuse to want to exist in the world where
myself is accepted, and in the
now terms, that world would be known as the outcast, the strange ones, the weird ones. yes if u recall, i have this theory that assumes that probably the ones in the mental hospital are the ones who are the SANEST of all, they ARE being themselves, and they dont put up a show to get accepted, and they dont need to do anything to feel belonged,
they are simply themselves.
yes this sounds really really absurd but i do have my believings in it. sometimes, the sane me takes over the body and trys to act like myself, immediately, it failed terribly, negative reinforced by the reactions of people around me, i start thinking, what are they saying about me, i bet they think im weird, omg i was such an ass, and the list goes on. See? we can never be ourselves in this world almost everyone has a part in, lets just say its like in the theatre, theres the lead actor, the director, the backstage crew, and so on and we are all like that, putting up our own shows and trying our best to hold on to whatever there is to grab, be it dignity, belonging, pride or whatever that feeds our instincts, and so we act, and by the end of the day, some are oscars winners, some get eliminated and never surface again.
So the question is "Who are you?" "which part are you playing right now?" "Will you be the Oscar winner?"
As for me, I, have always been the one person sitting just next to all these glam, making sure the glam gets appreciated and ends in the most perfect way.
I, am not the director, but I, draw the curtains.
maybe one day, I, will get sick of drawing the curtains and so, i may kill the actors so i can take over them, or i may sleep with the directors to get a role, or maybe someday, when i am ready, i will stop seeing the worth of such glam and move into the mental hospital to be myself, to stand out of this circle and just realise how stupid i was to be once in that world.
maybe
