life hasnt been much easier, and one just cant seem to concentrate enough to focus on the pleasant energies. especially with all these stupid fucking allergies/rashes or whatsoever these demon things are growing on me.itched like HELL.i swear i was this close to cutting my skin off or severing all the tedons or nerves i can find under the multiple layers of skin cells. arg.
but something did came out good of today. the music was exceptionally soothing to me today during the thai
songkran event. unlike many others, i couldnt remember most lyrics of any song, nor remember who sang it, nor what the title was. and i particularly preferred mandarin pop to english pop for whatsoever reason. but the thai music at the event today soothed me more than anything has for the past few months. it calmed me down, and suddenly the world seemed a tad more beautiful. i think more importantly, it reminded me of the days i was in montreal. so i guess i do miss that part of life a bit more than i imagined i did.. so much more that tears were on the brink as i literally relieve the images of how comforting, how relaxing, and how hanging out could just be so simple and nice in montreal. somehow the song picked it out. it picked out the very emotion that i was trying so hard to avoid. i wasnt that aversed to the whole montreal experience afterall. more importantly i wasnt aversed to the whole bunch of people i met there afterall. i missed them. well that explains the aversion to meeting up with them after a freaking 3 plus months we're back. i was just scared that the feeling wouldnt be the same, or the way i wanted it to be. and i was worried how the bad memories would overwhelmed and wrecked the gathering. well. apprenhension.
taming the wandering spirit in me hadnt been an easy feat. the mind just cant stop trying to dream out of this country, imagined being out somewhere more fun, devising strategies to get out of here. this doesnt make living in singapore any easier. so much cognitive capacities have been used up to the extent that living a normal life here seems like an impossible feat. so much distrations that i just cant do things right and yet, it didnt seem to bother me much even though i consciously acknowledge this persistent problem. and i guess i know why. the part of me that identifies with this wandering spirit outweighs so much more than the other part, to the extent that i willingly ignore that persistent problem, not that i would even call it a problem. this is ruining my life and my goal for this semester seems further now.
this, is such a lonely life.
